I was right about one thing: The first of many days, I said and in just over a week it’s grown monotonous. Not to say that I’ve been doing the same thing every day, quite the contrary, but without set plans I have a hard time imagining how tomorrow might be different. I guess I’ve been living very much in the present, which sounds nice but is not a state that I am used to.
For the first few days I was still operating in a kind of ‘traveller’ mode, living out of my suitcases, eating take-out, and avoiding buying anything permanent. I guess I had it in the back of my mind that the time would soon come to pack up again and move-on. The room I’m in – my room, I guess – still felt like foreign soil. Of course, necessity slowly caused that feeling to change.
I needed to shower, so I had to buy a towel and some products to wash myself with, including the same Lush shampoo I used back home. “Big,” they call it. I knew I couldn’t buy every meal, so I had to find a supermarket close by and then stake out and fill a section of the shared pantry with unfamiliar brands. I couldn’t continue to look at the vacant white walls for fear of going insane, so I unpacked a bunch of artwork and filled that void. And finally – as a follow-up to the last entry, and to close that little story arc – I cleaned every single surface of my room and got a pair of slippers that are only just allowed in the doorway. This room is now under strict dirt-quarantine.
I’ve also been devouring media; Entire seasons of Avatar, Brooklyn 99, Castlevania, Happy, Into the Badlands, Sabrina, and She-ra have all played out on my laptop amidst the usual Twitch and Youtube fare; I played through the entirety of Undertale, a beautifully quirky game that left the most bittersweet feeling when it ended; and I read the titular final book in Stephen King’s Dark Tower series, a series that I started over ten years ago. At the end of many of these stories I’ve felt tears welling up, and when I finished The Dark Tower today I broke down and properly wept.
I’ve been trying to figure out why (I can’t help but self-analyse). To determine what it was I had read that had struck such a chord, and I’ve come to one possible conclusion so far. Finales are often accompanied by goodbyes, the emotional, tearful kind that I never seem to find in my real life. I suspect that when I’m in those moments of transition, I tell myself that nothing is really changing, and push away those feelings of grief. So this afternoon I guess you could say I grieved. I let all the good things that I left behind and the sadness of their absence really sink in. And there are A LOT of good things back there. Friends, best friends, my family, my D&D groups, a routine, a cat. Not being woken up by that little furry head-butt at seven every morning. How could anyone go without it?
But I won’t end this entry on a downward note. I have ever been the optimist and even at this low point I’ve managed to pull myself into a positive direction. With this afternoon’s mission accomplished I now have a computer on the way. A mostly new machine, with a heart transplanted from my old one, that will enable me to get back to doing what I love: drawing, building adventures, creating worlds. I think I’ve had quite enough input for now, it’s time to get some of my own thoughts out.